The Secret Language of Core Values
Why You Feel What You Feel (And What to Do About It)
"What we know matters, but who we are matters more." — Brené Brown
Core Value Graphic from NCR the book and WB
A client once told me she couldn't understand why she felt rage every time her manager scheduled last-minute Friday afternoon meetings. "It's just an hour," she said. "Why am I so angry?"
Within ten minutes of exploring, we uncovered the answer: Her core value of freedom was being trampled. Those surprise meetings weren't just inconvenient—they were violating something sacred to her.
That's the secret language of core values. They don't announce themselves politely. They show up as visceral reactions, emotional landmines, and moments of unexpected joy.
What Core Values Really Are
(And Why They Matter More Than You Think)
When I ask clients about their core values, they often list high-level themes: authenticity, compassion, respect, integrity.
But core values aren't aspirational ideals we picked from a poster in a guidance counselor's office. They're the non-negotiable truths that live in your bones—the secret WHYs behind your CORE beliefs.
Core values are like lighthouses. They're the signals that give you direction, meaning, and purpose. Beacons of truth that serve as personal, intimate, internal barometers of what's important to you... and what isn't.
And here's what most people miss: Your values reveal themselves most clearly not in moments of peace, but in moments of friction.
The Anatomy of Energy Depletion
As this graphic from my book Name, Claim & Reframe: Your Path to a Well-Lived Life illustrates, when core value boundaries are threatened, so are the borders of your energetic boundaries... and more importantly, your precious internal energy reserves.
This is why saying a reluctant "Yes" when you really mean "HELL NO!" takes such an emotional toll.
Think of your energy system as concentric circles radiating outward from you:
Your Energy Reserves (innermost circle) — Your vitality, your life force
Your Energetic Boundaries (middle circle) — Your capacity to say yes and no
Your Core Values (outer circle) — What matters most to you
When someone violates your core values, they're not just annoying you—they're threatening the entire system that protects your well-being.
When Your Values Are Under Attack
You know a core value is being violated when:
⚠️ Someone's behavior makes you disproportionately angry (and you can't quite explain why)
⚠️ You feel physically ill before certain meetings or interactions
⚠️ You catch yourself saying "It's fine" when it's absolutely not fine
⚠️ You say yes and immediately feel resentment
A coaching client shared this story: "My sister-in-law constantly gives me parenting advice. Everyone tells me to let it go, that she means well. But I feel myself shut down every time she opens her mouth."
We discovered her core value wasn't about parenting philosophy—it was about autonomy. She didn't need her sister-in-law to agree with her choices. She needed her choices to be respected as valid. Once she named that, she could address the real issue instead of defending her parenting decisions.
The important thing to notice in moments of discomfort is which of your values are being stepped on or not being honored.
The Energy of Balance: What Fills You vs. What Drains You
When we're unbalanced, we feel out of control: pressured, stressed, taxed, drained, uneasy, anxious, depressed. When we're balanced, we feel in control: confident, at ease, in-flow, peaceful, and even relaxed.
Both experiences create an inner-state of being—one mindset feeds us, and the other mindset depletes us.
At the end of the day, we're not just looking to achieve balance... we're looking to experience positive energy that makes us feel bright, vital, and on-point.
The only way to experience true balance is to become aware of what gives you energy and what drains you of energy.
The Flip Side: When Your Values Are Honored
Now let's flip it.
Think about the last time you felt deeply fulfilled. When was the last time gratitude washed over you so completely you wanted to freeze the moment? What was happening?
Did you feel seen and understood?
Did you feel a sense of adventure or possibility?
Did you feel connected to something bigger than yourself?
Did you feel the satisfaction of creating something beautiful?
I'll never forget the day I restructured my business to work exclusively with clients who value depth over quick fixes. My calendar suddenly had breathing room. My work felt meaningful again. That wasn't luck—that was my core value of intentionality finally being honored in how I spent my days.
Notice how honoring your core values conjures resonance... and neglecting your core values invites dissonance. You can tell based on how you FEEL.
Honoring your values feels expansive and aligned. NOT honoring your values feels constrictive and wrong.
It really is that simple.
How to Discover YOUR Core Values
One of the most powerful ways to uncover your core values is to examine the last time you got extremely upset with a person or situation.
Maybe you had an argument or felt steamrolled in a meeting. The specific details don't matter as much as the WHY underneath.
Ask yourself:
Did you feel like screaming "THIS IS NOT FAIR"? (Justice might be a core value)
Did you feel invisible or dismissed? (Recognition or visibility might be core)
Did you feel controlled or micromanaged? (Autonomy or freedom might be core)
Did you feel rushed through something important? (Presence or depth might be core)
Then do the opposite exercise. When did you feel most alive? Most yourself? Most grateful? What values were being honored in those moments?
The pattern will reveal itself. Your values aren't mysterious—they've been announcing themselves your entire life. You just might not have been listening.
The Cost of Ignoring Your Values
One of the main reasons we become emotionally depleted is because we don't honor our core values as much as we could.
As a society, we've developed elaborate coping strategies. We bear huge disharmony in life because we believe "That's just the way it is!" We're taught to "swallow our pride," "bite the bullet," and "endure"—rather than step out of our comfort zones and speak up about what we're feeling.
But here's the truth: When you don't value your values, it's nearly impossible to live a life in alignment.
A client once stayed in a corporate job for three years past her expiration date because "the benefits were too good to leave." But her core value of creativity was dying a slow death in spreadsheets and status meetings. By the time she quit, she'd developed stress-related health issues and had forgotten what brought her joy.
The cost of ignoring your values is always higher than the cost of honoring them.
Saying YES When You Mean NO
Saying "NO" is an ideal opportunity to CLAIM your core values, establish energy boundaries, and preserve your internal energy reserves.
But until you learn to say a kind-but-clear "No thank you," you will continue to be overwhelmed with too much to do and too little time.
Here's a quick list to help shift your mindset next time you're tempted to say "Yes" when you really want to say "No!"
It's okay to say NO...
· When you're stressed or overwhelmed
· When you're already doing too much
· When you're tired or sick
· When it's someone else's issue
· When you feel taken for granted
· When it's something you don't want to do
· When there's something you'd MUCH rather do
· When it steps on your values and boundaries
· When you deserve or need some time to yourself
Being clear about core values will help you make informed decisions about what you want... and what you DON'T want. This is how you keep what's important to you sacred—like your precious internal energy reserves.
Creating Energy Boundaries With Above-the-Line Behavior
So how do we create energy boundaries with above-the-line behavior, despite how other people in our orbit are acting (or rather reacting)?
Here's an exercise I teach my clients (from my Name, Claim & Reframe Workbook):
Step 1: Reflect on a situation in your life (past or present) that has the potential to deplete your internal energy reserves and possibly conjure a below-the-line reaction or wounded response on your end.
Step 2: What energetic boundaries (i.e., saying a kind but clear "no thank you," sleeping on your response, detachment from the outcome) could be put into place so you can respond with an above-the-line response despite how people in your environment might be reacting?
Choosing to Name, Claim and Reframe® your mindset is about taking your power back resourcefully, strategically, and gracefully—responding to life's little plot twists instead of reacting to them.
What Becomes Possible
Once you get clear on your core values, everything shifts.
You can create "value boundaries" that help you stay aligned with your integrity. You can make more informed decisions that lead to a more fulfilled and happy life... even in the face of society's mixed messages.
You stop wondering why certain situations drain you and others energize you. You stop feeling guilty for saying no to things that don't align. You start building a life that feels like yours.
Being clear about your core values doesn't mean life becomes easy. It means life becomes honest. And honest always feels better than easy.
So tell me: What pushes your buttons? What brings you unexpected joy? Where do you feel friction, and where do you feel flow?
💫 Andrea
The Global Authority on Cognitive Reframing
P.S. For a deeper dive into discovering your values, check out the "Mini Value Reflection" on page 97 of Name, Claim & Reframe - Your Path to a Well-Lived Life.
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