Name YOUR People Pleaser
When "Being Nice" Becomes Self-Betrayal
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any."
— Alice Walker
Inspired by my Catholic upbringing, I've named the people-pleasing inner critic, Sister Mary Francis. She's a well-intentioned (voice inside my head) who is deeply concerned about everyone's feelings, and absolutely terrified of disappointing anyone. Left unchecked, she'll have me saying "YES, OF COURSE!" when every cell in my body is screaming "HELL, NO!"
What to Watch For
You know Sister Mary Francis has taken the wheel when:
⚠️ You agree to chair the fundraiser committee while already drowning in commitments
⚠️ You find yourself apologizing for things that aren't your fault
⚠️ The phrase "I don't want to be difficult" precedes most of your requests
A client once told me, "I realized I was in trouble when I agreed to host Thanksgiving for 30 people the same week I was launching my business—and I was the one apologizing for not making everything from scratch."
That moment of recognition? That's where the transformation begins.
The High Cost of Constant Yes
Before I became a coach, I was Sister Mary Francis's star pupil.
I was so concerned with not disappointing others that I "selflessly" ignored my own needs, failed to guard my boundaries, and exhausted my precious energy reserves. I gave my power away in tiny increments every single day to avoid uncomfortable conversations and face my deepest fear: that I wasn't worthy of love and respect unless I made everyone else happy first.
Put simply, I was betraying myself to keep others comfortable.
The breaking point came when I agreed to chair a school committee I had no time or energy for. I remember sitting in the third planning meeting, drowning in logistics I didn't care about, thinking, "How did I get here?" The answer was painful: I'd said yes when I meant no, over and over again, until I'd completely lost track of what I actually wanted.
The Truth About Sister Mary Francis
Here's what I've learned: Sister Mary Francis isn't actually me. She's an echo—my mother's voice, always worried about whether I was being nice enough, kind enough, accommodating enough to others.
And here's the tricky part: There's always a 1% truth to what she's saying. That's what makes her so convincing. She's not wrong that kindness matters. She's just wrong that my needs don't.
The voice of the inner critic is an expression of the safety instinct that resides within all of us. Even people who appear confident and self-assured battle with this voice of doubt, because we're all hardwired the same way: to keep ourselves safe from potential conflict, rejection, and the terrifying possibility that we might be unlovable.
When Boundaries Feel Like Betrayal
When you decide to CLAIM yourself and set real boundaries, you WILL disappoint people. That's just the truth.
A client shared this recently: "I told my sister I couldn't host Christmas this year. The silence on the phone felt like it lasted an hour. But then I realized—her disappointment passed. My resentment from saying yes would have lasted for months."
The discomfort of saying a clear, kind "no" is temporary. The resentment of saying a reluctant "yes" lingers and festers, poisoning everything it touches.
Your People Pleaser Survival Guide
Notice the Pattern: The first step is recognizing when it's HER voice speaking, not YOUR voice. Simply acknowledging Sister MF's fears and worries usually satisfies her enough that she scuttles away (until next time).
Ask yourself: "Is this MY truth, or am I trying to be 'good' by someone else's standards?"
Reclaim Your Truth: Your truth may not match someone else's expectations. And that's not just okay—it's necessary for living authentically. Spreading kindness into the world is beautiful. Being kind at your own expense is not.
Remember: You're Not Responsible for Managing Everyone's Emotions: This was the hardest lesson for me to learn. Other people's disappointment is not your emergency. Their discomfort with your boundaries says more about them than it does about you.
What Becomes Possible
Living my most authentic life means I've gotten really good at sifting through Sister Mary Francis's gentle-but-unhelpful advice to find what actually serves me NOW.
These days, when she pipes up, I acknowledge her: "Thanks for the input. I've got this." And most of the time, that's enough. She settles down, and I move forward. And the incredible feeling of gracefully taking my power back always feels better than shrinking myself to fit someone else's expectations.
Just imagine what will be possible in your life when you learn to notice and NAME the people-pleasing voice that lives within you and develop the courage to say a graceful-but-clear "HELL NO" to the things that don't serve your truth.
Remember: Your inner critic speaks loudest when you're growing, stretching, and daring to live differently than you've been conditioned to live.
Who's YOUR version of Sister Mary Francis? And what becomes possible when you learn to recognize her voice and choose yours instead?
Celebrating your courage to disappoint the right people,
💫 Andrea
The Global Authority on Cognitive Reframing
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I'm Andrea Mein DeWitt—a leadership coach, author, and self-proclaimed warrior in recovery who helps bold souls reclaim their power and unleash their full potential. After transforming my 32-year career in education into a dynamic coaching practice, I now guide people through my signature NAME, CLAIM AND REFRAME® methodology.
My book Name, Claim & Reframe: Your Path to a Well-Lived Life was featured on the TODAY Show as 2023's best motivational read. Writing from the foggy San Francisco Bay Area, I believe that life's challenges are invitations to discover who you're meant to be.
