Why Don’t They Like Me?
Reframing Rejection
"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
~ Dr. Seuss
One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn is that not everybody will like you or what you have to offer. And here's the uncomfortable truth: even when you're a well-intentioned human being, you'll unintentionally rub some people the wrong way.
It's part of the human experience. As we evolve and become more of who we're meant to be, we may even find ourselves feeling uncomfortable dissonance with people we thought were our "forever friends."
Not everyone we meet likes our vibe, our energy, or our personality. And for years, I exhausted myself trying to change that.
The Performance of Likability
Think back to middle school. Remember hiding the real you to conform, fit in, or be liked? Remember the exhaustion of monitoring every word, every gesture, every outfit to avoid standing out in the wrong way?
Most of us thought we'd outgrow that. But if you're honest, you're probably still doing some version of it—softening your opinions in certain groups, laughing at jokes you don't find funny, staying quiet when you have something to say, contorting yourself to fit someone else's idea of acceptable.
I finally made peace with the fact that not everyone is going to like me—and that acceptance set me free. When I gave up trying to fit someone else's idea of a "cool kid," I no longer had to hide my real personality or conform to some inauthentic version of myself that just felt bad.
Here's what I discovered: You may not be everybody's cup of tea, and neither am I. And that's not just okay—that's great. It means we have distinct personalities, original ideas, personal opinions, and our own unique brand of fabulous.
The Reframing Revolution
What if we reframed rejection from evidence that something is wrong with us to proof that we're showing up authentically?
From: "If they don't like me, I need to change who I am"
To: "If they don't like me, they're not my people—and that clears space for those who are"
What to Do When Someone Dislikes You
Don't Do Anything: This is the hardest one, so I'm leading with it. Some people just don't like what we have to offer the world. Don't waste your time and energy trying to make someone like you. I spent years trying to win over a colleague who clearly found me grating. I'd soften my communication style, second-guess my contributions in meetings, and tie myself in knots trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. One day a mentor asked me: "Why do you need her approval so badly?"
I didn't have a good answer. That question freed me to redirect that energy toward people who actually valued my contributions.
The REFRAME:
From: "I need to figure out how to make them like me"
To: "I can redirect this energy toward people who appreciate what I bring"
2, Understand Why Their Approval Matters to You: When someone's rejection stings particularly hard, get curious about why. What about this person's rejection can't you be with? What are you seeking from them that you could give yourself instead? Often, we're not actually seeking their specific approval—we're seeking validation of something we're insecure about. They represent something we think we need: professional credibility, social acceptance, proof that we're worthy of love.
When you can identify what you're actually seeking, you can release your need to get it from this particular person. This also opens space for someone who genuinely values what you bring to the world.
The REFRAME:
From: "Their approval validates my worth"
To: "I'm seeking validation I can give myself—their opinion is just one data point, not the verdict"
3. Don't Take It Personally: Although it feels intensely personal, someone's dislike of you often isn't about you at all—it's about them. Maybe you trigger something in them that reminds them of something they don't like about themselves. Maybe your confidence highlights their insecurity. Maybe your boundary-setting challenges their people-pleasing patterns. A client shared about a family member who seemed to resent everything about her—her career success, her boundaries, her choices. When we explored it, she realized: "She's not rejecting me. She's rejecting the version of herself she wishes she could be."
That reframe transformed the relationship. My client stopped contorting herself to win approval and started offering compassion for someone clearly struggling with her own limitations.
The REFRAME:
From: "Their rejection means something is wrong with me"
To: "Their reaction tells me more about them than about my worth"
4, Get Comfortable in Your Own Skin: When you choose to be a people-pleaser or everyone's friend, your time and energy are wasted on those who will never reciprocate your effort. You're performing a version of yourself that isn't sustainable.
When you are completely and genuinely yourself, the right people will find you. They'll appreciate your distinct personality instead of tolerating a watered-down version you've created to avoid rejection.
I used to think I needed to be universally likable to be successful. Now I know: being polarizing is actually more powerful than being bland. The people who resonate with your authentic self will become genuine connections. The people who don't were never going to be your people anyway.
The REFRAME:
From: "I need to be likeable to everyone"
To: "Being authentically myself attracts the right people and repels the wrong ones—both outcomes serve me"
When You Must Engage with Someone Who Dislikes You
Sometimes the person who dislikes you isn't someone you can simply avoid—it's a coworker, a family member, someone in your regular orbit. Here's how to handle it:
Make a plan: Think strategically about how you can limit unnecessary contact while maintaining professionalism or family civility. Can you keep interactions brief and focused? Can you create buffer zones?
Kill them with kindness: It's tempting to match someone's cold or rude energy. But you have no idea what's happening in their life or what's going on in their head. Don't match their negativity—instead, treat them with genuine respect and kindness. Their behavior reflects them; your behavior reflects you taking the high road.
This isn't about being fake. It's about refusing to let someone else's energy pull you down to their level.
Curate Your Posse of Support
With less energy wasted trying to win over people who don't value you, you can focus on those who do. When we intentionally curate a core group of people who see us, love us, and appreciate us, we feel better about ourselves because we feel genuinely valued.
Think of spending time with your supportive people as part of your self-care routine—as essential as sleep or exercise. These are the relationships that refuel you rather than drain you.
The best thing you can do to counteract people who don't return your effort is to love yourself fiercely. When you take control of your own validation by focusing on self-acceptance and the gifts you're offering the world, it becomes much easier to ignore those who aren't worthy of your light.
This Week's Practice
Notice where you're performing: Where are you contorting yourself to be more likeable?
Identify whose approval you're chasing: Whose rejection bothers you most, and why?
Redirect your energy: Take one relationship where you're over-functioning and consciously pull back your effort
Invest in your people: Spend time with someone who genuinely values you exactly as you are
Remember: Not everyone will like you. And that's not a character flaw—it's proof you're showing up authentically in a world that rewards conformity.
Being unapologetically myself,
Andrea
Chief Reframing Officer @ Beyond the Reframe
Ready to transform your perspective and your leadership from the inside out?
✧ Private Coaching Create lasting change through personalized guidance. [Schedule a Discovery Call]
✧ NCR Workshops Experience NAME, CLAIM AND REFRAME® in an intimate group setting. [Join Waitlist]
✧The Book, Discover your path to authentic power with "Name, Claim & Reframe." [Get Your Copy]
✧ The Workbook Put insights into action with practical tools and exercises. [Order Now]"
BONUS: Not sure where to start?
Take the What’s Your Leadership Style Quiz!
