Being “Both/And” Grateful
Finding Gratitude When Life Gives You 🍋 Lemons
"Gratitude is not about pretending everything is fine. It's about finding light while honoring the darkness."
Have you ever felt like gratitude was one more thing you were failing at? Like everyone around you seemed capable of finding silver linings while you were just trying to get through the day? Or maybe you've been told to "just be grateful" when you were struggling, leaving you feeling guilty for not appreciating what you have?
If so, you've bumped up against one of the most misunderstood concepts in personal development: the difference between authentic gratitude and spiritual bypassing.
Reframing Gratitude
Two years ago, multiple areas of my life felt unstable simultaneously. Without going into details, it was a challenging season. And I did what so many of us do when life gets hard—I tried to reframe my way out of the pain before I'd actually felt it.
I started gratitude journals, practiced daily appreciation, and attempted to reframe every difficulty as a lesson. But it wasn't working—I just felt more disconnected from myself. The intentional gratitude practices felt like another performance, another way I was supposed to transport myself to a "better" place than I actually was. I was using reframing to avoid sitting with the uncomfortable emotions and hard truths that actually needed my attention.
The turning point came when I stopped trying to be grateful for the hard things and started being honest about them instead. By allowing myself to feel my legitimate emotions, I could appreciate the support I was receiving while also acknowledging that the situation genuinely sucked. I could be thankful for my health while also admitting I was scared about other things.
That's when I discovered what I now call "Both/And Gratitude"—the practice of holding appreciation alongside difficulty without requiring one to cancel out the other. This wasn't just a gratitude hack. It was a fundamentally different way of being human, and it became the cornerstone of everything I now teach. Once I understood this, I couldn't unsee it. I started recognizing how often we're pressured to choose between the hard truth and the hopeful truth, when what we actually need is permission to hold both.
What's Actually Happening With Forced Gratitude?
When gratitude becomes another "should," several things occur:
It bypasses legitimate feelings: Real struggles get minimized or ignored in favor of artificial positivity
It creates internal pressure: Gratitude becomes something you're supposed to feel rather than something you naturally experience
It disconnects you from authenticity: You end up performing gratitude rather than experiencing it
It can increase shame: If you can't feel grateful, you judge yourself as ungrateful or negative
The most damaging aspect? Forced gratitude often prevents us from processing difficult emotions that need attention, keeping us stuck rather than helping us heal.
Your Reframing Revolution
True gratitude isn't about denying difficulty—it's about expanding our capacity to hold complexity. Let's reframe gratitude entirely:
From: "I should be grateful for everything, even the hard stuff"
To: "I can find authentic appreciation while honoring my real experience"
Four Approaches to Authentic Appreciation
Here are four ways to practice this shift:
1. The "Both/And Gratitude" Reframe
Practice holding two truths simultaneously: "I'm grateful for my supportive friends AND I'm struggling right now." This prevents spiritual bypassing while making space for genuine appreciation.
2. The "Micro-Appreciation" Reframe
Instead of forcing gratitude for big things that don't feel genuine, notice tiny moments of relief, beauty, or comfort. The warmth of your coffee. A text from a friend. The fact that you're breathing without effort.
3. The "Gratitude for Getting Through" Reframe
Some days, the most authentic gratitude is simply appreciating your own resilience. "I'm grateful I made it through yesterday" is profound appreciation, not small thinking.
4. The "Present-Moment Appreciation" Reframe
Focus on what's working right now, in this moment, without requiring it to fix or negate anything else. This anchors gratitude in reality rather than obligation.
When Others Pressure You to "Be Grateful"
Sometimes the pressure to be grateful comes from others who are uncomfortable with your struggle. Here are some reframes for these situations:
When someone says "At least": "I appreciate you trying to help me see the bright side. Right now I'm working on processing what I'm going through."
When told to "count your blessings": "I'm grateful for many things, and I'm also working through some challenges. Both can be true."
When guilt-tripped about your privilege: "I recognize my privileges, and I'm also allowed to have human struggles."
The Gratitude That Heals
Real gratitude doesn't require you to be thankful for trauma, loss, or genuine hardship. It doesn't ask you to find silver linings in every cloud or lessons in every pain. Instead, it invites you to notice what's genuinely sustaining you, even in small ways, while honoring the full reality of your experience. As my Fairy Godmother, Dorthy, used to tell me: "You don't have to be grateful for the storm, honey. Just notice if there's a rainbow when it passes."
Practical Approaches for Authentic Appreciation
Start impossibly small: What are you grateful for in this exact moment? Your heartbeat? The chair supporting you?
Honor the helpers: Notice and appreciate the people, systems, or resources that are supporting you through difficulty
Appreciate your own resilience: Acknowledge the strength it takes to keep going when things are hard
Find gratitude in ordinary moments: The reliability of sunrise, the comfort of routine, the fact that you showed up today
This Week's Both/And Practice
Instead of forcing gratitude this week, try this:
Notice where you feel pressure to be grateful when you're actually struggling
Practice "Both/And" statements: "I'm grateful for X AND I'm finding Y really difficult"
Find three micro-appreciations daily: Tiny, genuine moments of appreciation that feel authentic
Give yourself permission to have a full human experience without spiritually bypassing the difficult parts
Remember that authentic gratitude includes room for your whole story, not just the pretty parts.
✨ 🍋Andrea
Chief Reframing Officer @ Beyond the Reframe
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I'm Andrea Mein DeWitt—a leadership coach, author, and self-proclaimed warrior in recovery who helps bold souls reclaim their power and unleash their full potential. After transforming my 32-year career in education into a dynamic coaching practice, I now guide people through my signature NAME, CLAIM AND REFRAME® methodology.
My book Name, Claim & Reframe: Your Path to a Well-Lived Life was featured on the TODAY Show as 2023's best motivational read. Writing from the foggy San Francisco Bay Area, I believe that life's challenges are invitations to discover who you're meant to be.
