What to do with negative feedback
Until I became a leadership coach, I wasn’t very good at receiving feedback from other people… and I was even worse with criticism.
Negative feedback used to take me to a dark place where I got into my head and gave other people's opinions WAY too much power. Sound familiar?
Receiving feedback is a normal (and often useful) part of life. But many of us allow other people’s opinions to hurt us… and even define who we are and who we become.
Whether it’s a fear of criticism, an aversion to the vulnerability we feel, or our desire to feel accepted, everyone needs strategic tools to respond rather than react to feedback.
In truth, what other people think has no basis in defining what YOU are all about.
So, what if you could begin to REFRAME feedback and use it strategically?
When we receive a comment that sounds more like criticism, it can be hard to sort through it, because the input doesn't point us towards how we can improve. And frankly, receiving criticism feels like being told we’ve failed, right?
Reframing feedback, especially other people’s unsolicited opinions and advice, allows us to sift and sort through another person’s opinions with grace and strategic resourcefulness.
Here are a few ways to REFRAME the feedback you receive (wanted and not) -
(Note: The following are teaser excerpts from the upcoming Name, Claim & Reframe Workbook - which will release April 30, 2024! Pre-order your copy today!)
REFRAME #1: Feedback does not give you information about YOU. It only gives you information about the preferences or values of the person giving the feedback.
Here’s an example. When I presented my 93-year-old father with an autographed early-release copy of my book, he said, “Wait, it’s a paperback. I was expecting a hardcover book…This is SO disappointing, Andrea!”
Yes, his feedback stung. I was tempted to REACT, but instead, I considered the source of the feedback: My dear old dad had a habit of expressing affection with a hint of criticism (and a sprinkle of humor).
I recovered from his feedback with this resourceful response, “Hold on Dad! How many people do YOU know who have published a book?” A smile spread across his face, and he retorted, “Just you, honey!”
I Named his below the line comment, took my power back by Claiming my accomplishment, and then I Reframed the whole interchange by not taking his comment personally (even though it could have been deeply hurtful).
His opinion (that my book was not worthy unless it was in hardcover form) did NOT serve the goals or the mindset I wanted to hold for myself. His feedback did, however, give me information about what he valued… which helped me create healthy boundaries around seeking his approval (or advice) in areas that he knows nothing about (like the book publishing business).
I encourage you to ALWAYS consider the source of the feedback you’re receiving and remind yourself that: Although everyone has an opinion… not everyone’s opinion matters.
Conversely, when we receive constructive feedback, say from someone at work, it can enlighten us on how our work is being received in the world. A debrief with your boss, for example, can provide information about how you’re adding value, as well as the actions needed for you to achieve personal goals.
When we approach feedback (and even criticism) with an open heart, it allows us to harvest the guidance that will serve us and cast out the parts that do not.
When I receive feedback from a client or a colleague who values what I do, I give their input more scrutiny.
For example, I was working with a new client who was struggling with vulnerability. In one of our first sessions together, we got into a challenging topic, and she provided feedback that helped me better understand her needs and the changes I could make to redesign our working relationship.
This made me a better coach. Our candid discussion helped build trust, and we went on to have a very powerful alliance!
Although it can be hard to hear, I am always grateful for both personal and professional feedback. It helps me understand both my audience and how I can better connect with them.
REFRAME #2: The criticism we most fear tends to "match-up" with (or, mirror) the most significant doubts or negative beliefs we hold about ourselves.
Negative feedback often "stings," because it matches up with a limiting belief we have about ourselves.
My father's comments are a perfect example because they matched up with my own doubts about my worthiness as a writer and a new author. It was vital for me to notice and Reframe his point of view with a truth that would serve me better. Instead of allowing an unhelpful story to form in my head, I focused on the evidence (i.e. the fact that I had won a publishing contract with a traditional publisher!)
When feedback is especially painful, I encourage you to list out some possible reasons why (i.e. “This person does not have enough knowledge to provide an opinion,” or “This person is especially grumpy today.”)
Even positive feedback or praise can hook us, because it soothes or counteracts insecurities or feelings of inadequacy.
Receiving affirmation for something you weren’t sure about, like a pitch to a client or an awkward exchange, can cause you to second guess yourself and pine for additional flattery. But by noticing the origin of the negative belief about yourself, you can choose to update it with more compassionate or empowering self-concepts.
Reframing feedback takes practice, just like building a muscle. It’s important to be kind to yourself and the person providing the feedback - and remember that some battles aren't worth your energy.
Try to focus on truths and evidence, not the story your inner critic might be spinning.
REFRAME #3: Targeted feedback is like mining for treasure: You never know what you might find.
Having a learning goal in mind when we approach others for feedback helps to balance their opinions with our target objectives. In other words, how do you plan to use the feedback to become more skilled or informed?
When I do a workshop, I always ask participants for feedback. Their remarks are an informative assessment of how my content is being received. This also points me towards the things that might need modification.
The best part about asking for feedback is that it highlights areas I might not have considered, and these new perspectives can lead to innovation and opportunity.
Being strategic in seeking feedback that targets specific areas is a beautiful way to expand your strategy and approach. This principle can be applied to everything from career transition to testing out a new menu at a restaurant!
I encourage you to let go of the feedback that doesn’t serve you and be grateful to anyone kind enough to provide helpful guidance.
When we allow ourselves to sort through and Claim the pieces that will help us to grow, it's easier to Reframe the fragments that do not.
Until next time,
Andrea
P.S. Whenever you’re ready to take the next steps along YOUR path to a well-lived life, I’ve got a handful of resources to help -
1. What is your leading leadership energy? Every person, regardless of gender identity, possesses both feminine and masculine energies and the capacity to integrate these two sides of their wholeness.
Do you know whether you lean toward masculine OR feminine energy in your leadership roles? Take this 5-minute quiz and find out!
2. Grab my best-selling book: Name, Claim & Reframe. Learn how to align with your divine feminine ingenuity by releasing the age-old belief that the strong need to become warring Warriors. My 3-step strategy will help you gracefully navigate your path to a well-lived life (and this book is a great place to start!)
3. Join me for an upcoming Name, Claim & Reframe Salon. Like a mock-tail party for the mind, each themed salon invites you to gather and discuss new ideas to expand your thinking about self-power. These LIVE workshop events will help you practice and implement the Name, Claim & Reframe Method - one step at a time!