Gift Goals: A Kinder Way to Thrive
Why Should-Goals Set You Up to Fail
(And What to Do Instead)
It's a provocative notion that our New Year's resolutions will magically transform bad habits into better ones on January 1st. But realistically, calendars don't have the power to erase entrenched behaviors—only we do.
Even more disheartening? Studies show that 88% of people who set New Year's resolutions fail within the first two weeks.
So why is following through on these well-intentioned promises so damn difficult?
"When we reframe and lean into our imperfections, we welcome learning, adaptation, and the modifications we may have never considered."
— Andrea Mein DeWitt, Name, Claim & Reframe
When Good Intentions Meet Harsh Reality
A client once told me about her resolution to "join a gym and work out five days a week." By January 15th, she'd been twice. She felt like a failure, which triggered a shame spiral that made her avoid the gym entirely. By February, she'd canceled her membership.
Sound familiar?
Even our best-intentioned resolutions are fraught with both joy and dread: The JOY of a fresh start and the DREAD of sustaining the good habits we've earnestly set for ourselves.
In the past, I failed miserably at traditional New Year's resolutions because they felt like "shoulds" that were constrictive, impossible to maintain, and destined for failure. Join a gym and workout 5 days a week. Lose 15 pounds by March 15. Network with ten new professionals every month.
What was missing in this form of goal setting was the compassionate wiggle room to fail miserably—and still learn something valuable.
The Tyranny of Should-Goals
Here's what I've learned about should-goals: They're shame dressed up as ambition.
Should-goals sound like:
"I should lose weight"
"I should be more social"
"I should be more productive"
"I should finally finish that project"
Notice the energy? It's heavy. Obligatory. Rooted in what you think you're supposed to do rather than what you actually want.
Should-goals are:
Restrictive — They leave no room for real life to happen
Rigid — They don't account for learning curves or pivots
Punishing — They set you up to feel like a failure when you inevitably stumble
Rooted in external validation — They come from what others expect, not what you truly desire
A client recently shared: "Every January, I promise myself I'll be 'better'—thinner, more organized, more successful. But by February, I just feel worse about myself than I did before I started."
That's the problem with should-goals. They don't actually move you forward. They just make you feel bad about where you are.
Let's Reframe: Introducing Gift-Goals
What if, instead of focusing on what you think you SHOULD do, you concentrated on setting a goal that aligns with your natural talents and passions and feels more like a GIFT you're giving yourself?
Gift-goals are more expansive and designed for both reflection and modification. Plus, the best part of gift-goals is that they make room for failure. Regardless of the outcome, there are always new insights to harvest and ways to pivot so you CAN feel successful in your quest for growth.
A "should-goal" of "I want to be back at my college weight by March 15" becomes the gift-goal of "I want to feel energized, vital, and more confident in my strong body."
See the difference? One is a number on a scale. The other is a feeling, an experience, a way of being in the world.
A should-goal of "being more social" becomes the gift-goal of "strengthening connections with people who leave me feeling inspired after I've spent time with them."
One is an obligation. The other is an invitation.
Why Gift-Goals Actually Work
When I start with new coaching clients, we co-create kinder and gentler gift-goals that ensure success, core value alignment, and—most importantly—allow for a gradual timeline that accommodates learning, pivoting, false starts, and new portals of discovery.
Because reframes take time to solidify.
Gift-goals work because they:
Honor who you actually are — Not who you think you should be
Create space for learning — Every "failure" is data, not disaster
Feel expansive instead of constrictive — They pull you forward rather than push you with guilt
Align with your values — They're rooted in what truly matters to you
A client who'd been beating herself up about not exercising enough reframed her goal from "Work out 5 times a week" to "Move my body in ways that feel good and leave me energized." Within a month, she was dancing in her kitchen, taking walks in nature, and actually enjoying movement for the first time in years.
That's the power of a gift-goal.
Your Turn: Creating Your Own Gift-Goals
What would change if you could reframe your thinking around your hopes and aspirations?
Instead of setting a shaming, restrictive, and binding "should-goal," curate a "gift-goal" that could be fun, flexible, and forgiving.
Try these prompts:
What gift-goal feels like giving yourself the gift of fulfillment, discovery, and expansion?
What new insight are you gifting yourself that moves you closer to a hope or desire?
Who in your posse can support you by witnessing your commitment to getting started?
Ways to Support Your Gift-Goal Discovery
1. Find a Champion (Your Accountability Partner)
Who could help you celebrate successes and support you when things aren't going well? This isn't someone who will shame you—it's someone who will remind you why this matters and help you adjust when you need to pivot.
2. Align Your Gift-Goal with a Larger Vision
Connect it to a core belief you want to honor. What more significant force for good would applaud your earnest efforts?
Some ideas: Love, Kindness, Renewal, Connection, Service, Creativity, Courage.
3. Make It Your Default
How can you set yourself up so that the actions you hope to take are an easy default—something that will feel effortless to do automatically?
If you can't make them the default, how can you make the gift-goal as convenient as possible?
4. Be Kind and Curious When You Get Stuck
Because it's inevitable that you'll trip up and need inspiration to persevere toward your aspirations, ask yourself with kindness:
"What's going on here?"
"What thinking might be interfering with this gift-goal?"
"What do I need to do to move past it?"
The Compassionate Path Forward
Transforming your goals into gift-goals can be genuinely expansive. It can change how you see yourself while also moving you closer to a hope or desire.
The difference isn't just semantic—it's philosophical. It's the difference between self-improvement as punishment and self-discovery as adventure.
Should-goals ask: "What's wrong with me that I need to fix?"
Gift-goals ask: "What do I want to experience? Who do I want to become?"
One is rooted in shame. The other is rooted in possibility.
So tell me: What should-goal have you been carrying around like a stone? And what gift-goal could you offer yourself instead?
Wishing you a year full of momentum, new discoveries, and the compassionate wiggle room to fail beautifully,
💫 Andrea
The Global Authority on Cognitive Reframing
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I'm Andrea Mein DeWitt—a leadership coach, author, and self-proclaimed warrior in recovery who helps bold souls reclaim their power and unleash their full potential. After transforming my 32-year career in education into a dynamic coaching practice, I now guide people through my signature NAME, CLAIM AND REFRAME® methodology.
My book Name, Claim & Reframe: Your Path to a Well-Lived Life was featured on the TODAY Show as 2023's best motivational read. Writing from the foggy San Francisco Bay Area, I believe that life's challenges are invitations to discover who you're meant to be.
