Reframing the Boomerang Years
Love, Loss, and the Lessons of an Empty Nest
If you're reading this while surrounded by dorm room shopping lists and feeling that familiar tug in your chest, let me tell you something they don't mention in the college prep guides: your child will come back. And leave again. And come back again. Empty nest syndrome isn't a one-time event—it's more like a subscription service you never signed up for, with recurring episodes that arrive without warning.
This past week, I found myself standing in our now vacated guest room doorway, staring at the perfectly made bed. Kate, our 30-something daughter, has been gone for 3 weeks now, settled into her darling Sausalito bungalow with a thriving interior design business that's growing. A boomerang millennial, this is her third launch, and it feels different—sweeter somehow—because in one of the most expensive areas in the country, she's finally truly soaring. Yet, I still find myself missing her exuberant presence in our home. Old habits die hard, especially when you're a mother who's been practicing the art of letting go for over a decade.
The Tale of Two Fledglings
My children taught me that there's no single blueprint for leaving the nest. Patrick, our firstborn, approached independence like ripping off a Band-Aid. The summer before college, he turned our house into what I lovingly called "Camp Moody"—defensive answers, eye rolls, and a bedroom that looked like a clothing tornado had taken up permanent residence. Nature's way, I learned, of making parents eager for move-out day.
When we dropped him off at the University of Oregon in the fall of 2010, I slipped a letter into his dresser drawer, pouring out all the pride and hopes I couldn't voice without triggering his adolescent force field. Seven years later, when he boarded a plane for his dream job in New York City, I handed him another letter—this time knowing he might even read it. Patrick was done with us in the most beautiful way possible. He'd found his wings, spread them wide, and never looked back.
Kate, on the other hand, became my masterclass in the boomerang generation. She'd fly out, circle back, nest for a while, then try again. During the COVID-19 pandemic, she moved home for nearly a year. Three years later, she gave up her beloved Nob Hill apartment to return once more. What looked like a retreat was actually a strategy—she was saving money and building her business from the safety of home base. I had to learn that Kate's path wasn't failure; it was wisdom.
The Care Package Chronicles
During Patrick's first year at Oregon, I channeled my maternal anxiety into what I now call "Care Package Mania." Indoor dart games, Halloween candy, holiday-themed flashlights, fast food gift cards, an assortment of rubber ducks—anything to prove my love from 500 miles away. When I helped him move out after his freshman year, he compassionately handed me a large box containing every single item I'd sent.
We exchanged a knowing look. "I'm sorry, honey," I admitted. "I guess this is how I processed your empty room. Shall we recycle it?"
He laughed and hugged me—a moment of grace from a son helping his mother transition into a new role in his life.
With Kate, I learned to read the signs differently. When we dropped her off at university in the fall of 2012, she cried, not wanting us to leave. Homesickness is common for college freshmen, so I hugged her and whispered in her ear, "You got this, sweetie...YOU are going to love this experience." And while her first semester was tricky, after she joined a sorority, she settled in with enthusiasm. Kate shared more of the ups and downs than her brother did. When she needed space, we gave it. When she needed support, we offered it without judgment. Her boomerang pattern taught me that modern adulting isn't linear, and that coming home isn't always moving backward.
Practical Tools for the Journey
After years of practicing this delicate dance, I've discovered a few strategies that actually work:
🪺Write the Letters You Can't Say: Those notes I tucked into Patrick's dresser drawer and handed him at the airport became my lifeline. They allowed me to process my emotions while giving my children something tangible of my love, to read when they were ready.
🪺Master the Art of Strategic Silence: Learning when not to call, text, or offer advice is perhaps the hardest skill a parent develops. I had to train myself to wait for them to reach out first, even when my mother-lion instincts were roaring.
🪺Redefine Success: Kate's return home wasn't defeat—it was strategic planning. Patrick's complete independence wasn't rejection—it was healthy separation. Both paths led to thriving adults who knew they were loved.
🪺Find Your Own Wings: The empty nest isn't just about your children's journey; it's about rediscovering who you are when active parenting shifts to "trusted advisor on call." I had to learn to fill my own days with meaning beyond maternal worry.
❤️The goal of good parenting is to become beautifully unnecessary. Every milestone—from first steps to final moves—is designed to make our children need us less. It's the most successful form of planned obsolescence ever invented.
Pat with Kate for her college drop-off in August of 2012
For parents dropping their kids off at college this fall, here's the truth: your child will come back. Maybe for winter break with a dorm room's worth of dirty laundry and a newfound appreciation for home-cooked meals. Maybe as a college graduate needing a financial base camp while they figure out their next move. Maybe, like Kate, as a successful adult making strategic choices about their future.
Each return is a gift, not a failure. It's proof that you've created a safe harbor they can trust, a launching pad they know will hold steady while they gather strength for their next flight.
The Art of Stepping Back
Learning to give your college-bound child space is like learning to drive with your eyes closed—terrifying but necessary. That first semester, resist the urge to call daily. Let them text first (even if it's just to ask for money). When they share their struggles, listen more than you advise. When they sound homesick, remind them it's normal, that they've got this, and trust that they'll find their way.
The hardest lesson? Sometimes loving them means letting them figure it out on their own terms, even when every maternal instinct screams otherwise.
I'm still a mother lion and always will be. But I've learned to manage my instincts, to practice what I call "loving from a distance." Some days I succeed; other days I still send too many texts or worry too loudly. I'm a work in progress, just like my children.
Coming Full Circle
Today, Patrick has become an East Coast guy who's not coming home. He and his girlfriend live in Jersey City, just across the Hudson from Manhattan. He works in brand strategy and loves everything about living in the New York area. Kate rents her Sausalito bungalow and a separate studio for her thriving interior design business, proof that her strategic retreats were actually advances in disguise.
The letters I wrote during their transitional moments have become more than just parental processing—they're a record of love, a benchmark of growth for all of us. Hopefully, when I'm gone, they'll look back on these reflections and remember not the worry or the care packages or the moments I loved too loudly, but simply how much they were cherished.
The empty nest, I've learned, isn't really empty at all. It's full of memories, full of love, and full of the quiet satisfaction that comes from raising humans brave enough to fly.
And sometimes, just sometimes, they come back for dinner and fill it with laughter all over again.
Still mastering the revolving door,
Andrea 🏠💕
The Global Authority on Cognitive Reframing
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